Wednesday, October 24, 2007

More women not seeking marriage...

One of the questions I am commonly asked by those who are not yet familiar with the Choice Mom community is whether we're made up of women who find men irrelevant.

This is typically something I disagree with.

But lately I'm rethinking that position. In a way.

In the nuanced world, women can hold two seemingly opposite views at the same time: 1) Men are important and often great role models for our kids, and fun, affectionate partners; and 2) That doesn't mean that marriage is the right answer for many.

Critics might be quick to think women are "too picky," or "selfish," or "neglecting their child's needs" when they choose not to marry.

But it's indicative of the infamous double standard to think that all men are good marriage and fatherhood material...That there are plenty of good men to go around for our increasing numbers of well-educated, well-paid, well-balanced women who want to work AND raise a family...That a woman who is with a man who doesn't want to have kids, or play a role in raising them, must simply deal with that hand...That it is HER fault for not picking a better man in the first place.

How many times now have I seen a woman reamed online for daring to take this step without a partner. When Rachel Sarah wrote on the Washington Post blog about attempting to date as a single mother, she was blasted by those who labeled her an unfit mother. When Louise Sloan was interviewed recently on Salon for choosing to become a single mother, many posts flew back belittling her choice as a "rich woman's" selfish decision that inflicts pain and suffering on her child. (Others might blast her as a less-than-rich woman who has no business raising children on a single salary.)

Of course, online posts are not always an indicator of the pulse of society overall. It tends to be a haven for those who need to get things off their chest.

So it was with interest that I read a thread on my Choice Mom discussion board started from a woman who had suffered through many abusive relationships and had then made the decision to forego a partner in order to fulfill her dream of having a child.

In the outside world, she might well have been beaten up again for making "bad choices" in men -- with no regard for the fact that it was the men in her life who had been making the bad choices.

But on the discussion board, a wonderful thing happened. Women offered support and insight instead of derision and ridicule. Some messages urged counseling so that she could bring her future children into a world that did not feel threatened by men. Other women told their stories of how they felt weakened in relationships with particular men but had risen past that to build a happy family life, complete with male and female role models.

And then conversation started with some of the younger women on the board. I'd always been surprised to find so many women coming to my website and board who were in their 20s and early 30s, rather than those many women after the age of 35 who were deciding that motherhood required a solo step rather than the partnered one they'd imagined once upon a time.

I started listening to women of the "new generation" who were describing a societal shift that they felt a part of. One that did not dismiss men in general, but did not feel that they added to their lives in ways meaningful enough to sustain a long-term relationship. Many of these women (not all) were talking about needing a partner who would always be there for their child, in all ways, and deciding that they were too few and far between. Lesbians and heterosexuals alike were reporting their own views that parenting was simply too important to trust to everyone.

As Fiona, a 32-year-old woman (who gave me permission to reprint her comments here) wrote: "I couldn't agree more with your point that times have really changed. I currently have four friends around me who are also pursuing single motherhood by choice (all around my age). I didn't meet them through a single mother group. It just happens that we're all friends. I can't help but think we're experiencing a societal shift. These are extremely well educated and intelligent women who have not been able to find men who respect them or who are willing to share the load of a partnership. They are frustrated by the men they meet, even men with the same qualifications, who still expect that their wives will do most of the work. We haven't all spent 10-12 years in school to pick up after a man! Single motherhood is for most of us the ONLY decision. We haven't got here out of despair. It actually feels like the logical first choice. Put simply, men have not kept pace with women's societal progression and until they catch up they may be perceived as a burden to women who want a relationship based on equality and mutual respect."

Her views were echoed in an article I was recently asked to write about "how to raise sons to value women."

I interviewed a roundtable of mothers with young sons, most of them married. And it was a quite strong note that even those I had assembled who identified themselves as feminists (which we ultimately defined as simply valuing women as much as men) were surprised, and frustrated, to find themselves shouldering the bulk of household chores in a traditional way with their partners.

Most of their partners were strongly involved in the kids' lives, more so than many husbands. Many of them are close friends of mine, whose husbands I respect for being egalitarian and involved in many ways. Yet when it came to division of labor, many of the moms were concerned that they were modeling old traditions to their kids.

One woman I interviewed, whose 12-year-old son is highly aware of gender bias (he complained to the director that a line he had to say for a school play was sexist), indicated that despite all her efforts, she simply seems to care and notice housework chores more than her husband or son. Another engages her 3-year-old in "making breakfast" with his fake kitchen in the morning, which he enjoys, but realizes that her activist partner of 26 years continues to expect her to take care of house and cooking and this is something she's actively trying to correct before her son thinks it's the way things are.

Household chores are not the strongest measuring stick of our new values, I think, but seems to be an indicative dividing line between men and women.

The end view of a growing number of women, it seems, is that if a man is unable to share the workload at home as well as in the office, what's the point? Why teach our sons and daughters that women are primarily here to serve?

Another post on my board put it this way: "For my mother's generation, partners were necessary. Then they were preferred. Now they're optional."

Again, I don't personally think men are irrelevant. Nor do many Choice Moms I know. But there do seem to be a growing number of women who have changing views of how they should relate to each other in the home, with hopes that men will start to catch up to them on that view so that we can start re-coupling again.

Interesting stuff...


Karen said...

Great post! I saw your thread on the Newsweek article an I checked it out. This is particularly interesting to me because first of all, I am a Human Development and Family Sciences major. Also, even though it is WAY early for me to even think about having children (I am a regular 19 years old female college student coming from an upper-middle class with a loving father and a loving mother - "complete" family.) I do think about it sometimes. I think that if I am not married or in a stable relationship in my early 30's, I'll probably be a single mother by choice. I do understand where people who believe in two-parent households are coming from, but I don't see anything wrong with being a single mother by choice. From what I see, these women are highly educated, financially stable, psychologically healthy, and have a great sense of morality. Also, because these women are well rounded, I think they are just as capable of raising not just good children, but great human beings by themselves, as parents with a partner (whoever that might be). I don't deny that it would be more difficult not having a partner just because raising children is emotionally draining and it is nice to have someone right there to help out. However, if we can go through years of challenging tasks of education, we have the strength to raise a human being because of the knowledge and determination we have acquired. I don't think it's selfish at all; in fact, I think you guys sacrifice more than parents with a partner because you have devoted yourselves to what is most precious to you all. I am happy for you kids and I applaud you for you love, your care, and your courage. Not just the courage for having children alone, but also the courage to speak out. Bravo! :)

Choice Mom said...

Thanks Karen!
Note that Fox News Morning Show, of all places, recently posted a good segment on this trend. You can see at least some of it at:

Note that the video seems to end before the views of Glenn Sacks, noted critic, and 18-year-old Choice Kid Katrina Clark, come on. Glenn basically said that this is a selfish, irresponsible decision that benefits the women but not the kids, that all kids need two loving parents and need a father, that all the stats reflect that criminals come from single parent households. (The male co-host rightly pointed out that those reflect homes with single parents NOT by choice.) The female co-host indicated she's 38, would love a partner and child, hasn't found a husband. Glenn told her she's too picky and that as an attractive woman she should have no problem. :-) Katrina said she certainly didn't feel any less loved not having a dad, even though she'd (rightly) like to have contact with her donor dad to answer questions and satisfy curiosity.

Anonymous said...

Hiya, there's a suprisingly positive article about the perceived "need" for fathers being a modern myth in the English Times Newspaper - one of our most venerable broadsheets. I hope it's okay to post the link here, it's at:

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Anonymous said...

Katrina said that she didn't feel less loved not having a dad but in her article in the Washington Post she wrote "I would daydream about a tall, lean man picking me up and swinging me around in the front yard, a manly man melting at a touch from his little girl. I wouldn't have minded if he weren't around all the time, as long as I could have the sweet moments of reuniting with his strong arms and hearty laugh. My daydreams always ended abruptly; I knew I would never have a dad" to me sounds contradictory.