Ban on unmarried adoptions cleared for Ark. ballot

By ANDREW DeMILLO, Associated Press

A proposal aimed at effectively banning gays and lesbians from becoming foster or adoptive parents was cleared Monday to appear on this fall's ballot in Arkansas. The measure would prohibit unmarried couples living together from fostering or adopting children.

Secretary of State Charlie Daniels certified the proposed initiated act for the Nov. 4 ballot after verifying that the Arkansas Family Council Action Committee had submitted 85,389 valid signatures of registered voters. Supporters needed to turn in at least 61,974 valid signatures.

"Arkansas needs to affirm the importance of married mothers and fathers," Family Council President Jerry Cox said. "We need to publicly affirm the gold standard of rearing children whenever we can. The state standard should be as close to that gold standard of married mom and dad homes as possible."

gay/lesbian discrimination

Here's the latest discriminatory practice I learned about from American Fertility Association this week:

"Effective January 1, 2008, Honda Manufacturing of Alabama requests that Blue Cross and Blue Shield exclude domestic partners (same sex partners) from ART benefits including diagnostic services related to fertility/infertility that have a fertility or infertility diagnosis.
....
"Interestingly, two other related issues hit the news media this week. The California Supreme Court reached a unanimous verdict that physicians cannot use their religious beliefs as grounds to deny infertility treatment to gay and lesbian patients. And, singer Ricky Martin announced the birth of twin sons that were born with the assistance of a gestational surrogate."

Christian debate: strong women, weak men?

Very interesting (long) article titled

The Biblical Challenge of Being a Strong Woman in a Weak Man’s World

written by Illinois baptist minister Bob Bixby.

http://sharperiron.org/2008/07/21/courageous-femininity-in-an-emasculated-culture-part-1/

Excerpt: "She is willing to respect the men in her life, only she silently cries out for a respectable man. Little by little the average Christian woman is coming to the conclusion that the men in her life are, in the main, boys in grownup bodies. And boys cannot be trusted with grownup matters."

Comments welcome here from those in the Christian community who want to discuss.

-- Mikki

McCain and two-parent adoption

Let's talk about this here. It's not just gays and lesbians that should be outraged by this. It is, of course, a fact of life that roughly half of the country agree with him. Let's vent here about it....

Mikki

By DAVID CRARY, AP National WriterTue Jul 15, 3:44 PM ET

Advocates for gay and lesbian families are denouncing Sen. John McCain, an adoptive father himself, for opposing adoptions by gays, which prompted his presidential campaign to clarify Tuesday that he does not seek a federal ban on the practice. Only one state, Florida, outlaws gay adoptions, which have become commonplace in much of the nation.

The Republican nominee-in-waiting was asked for his views on the subject in an interview published Sunday in The New York Times.

"I think that we've proven that both parents are important in the success of a family so, no, I don't believe in gay adoption," McCain replied.

McCain then remarked that he and his wife, Cindy, were proud to be adoptive parents of a daughter born in Bangladesh, and he encouraged others to adopt. Asked if those adopting should be a "traditional couple," McCain answered, "Yes."

The responses were condemned by gay and lesbian groups.

"He's completely out of touch," said Kara Suffredini, public policy director for the Family Equality Council. "There's no reason, except for the sake of red meat for his base, to throw up screens in the way of children in foster care getting homes."

Jody Huckaby, executive director of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, said McCain's comments were especially dismaying because more than 100,000 children are in foster care waiting to be adopted.

"Sen. McCain would deny loving homes to children who desperately need them simply because of an outdated prejudice about what a family may look like," Huckaby said.

On Tuesday, as criticism of McCain's comments spread, his campaign elaborated on the candidate's views.

...

An estimated 65,000 children have been adopted by gays and lesbians, according to advocacy groups. The American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Psychiatric Association and the National Association of Social Workers, among other groups, have expressed support for gay adoptions.

"It is an insult to these professionals and the children whom they represent to suggest that the door should be closed to people other than a 'traditional' married couple," said Ellen Kahn, who coordinates family-related projects for the Human Rights Campaign, a national gay rights group.

Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, said McCain "needs to read the research and rethink his comments."

"His implication is that every adopted child should have a mother and father," Pertman added. "That may be the ideal, but if we stick to it, we would have far fewer homes for kids. Single people — gay and straight — represent a significant number of adoptive parents."

States have widely varying laws regarding adoption by same-sex couples, but only Florida has a law explicitly banning gays and lesbians from adopting as individuals.

Conservative activists in Arkansas have been working to get a similar ban on the ballot in November, but have struggled to generate public support. Earlier this month, they turned in a petition with 65,899 signatures — only slightly more than the required number and well under the initial goal of 100,000 signatures.

Recent national polls suggest that support for the concept of gay adoption is growing. A 2006 poll by the Pew Research Center found a near-even split on the issue; a 2007 poll by CNN and Opinion Research Corp. said 57 percent of respondents felt gays should have the right to adopt, while 40 percent said they shouldn't.

A gay adoptive father in Atlanta, Ken Manford, said he and his partner have felt strong support and acceptance from neighbors and acquaintances since they adopted a son from Guatemala nearly seven years ago.

"If Sen. McCain came and sat down with us, I'd tell him we've proven that both parents are important in our family," Manford said. "It doesn't matter that both those parents are men."

McCain's Democratic rival, Barack Obama, supports adoption rights for gays and lesbians.

Gasping at single living

from Ruth

It seems that the older I get (and I’m hardly old at 33!!) the more people are baffled by my single status and the more I have to contend with their bizarre questions about my “lifestyle”. I was recently at a friend’s wedding and was having a conversation with one of the guests (a married man) and when he found out that I was single, he was absolutely stunned that I had somehow managed to buy my own home and (gasp!) a car as well! And then (here’s the kicker) he inquired as to whether I had a job!

I almost felt like saying "No, I just beg for money on the street". It's just so ridiculous, I am far more likely to have a job than a married woman! Who does he think supports me?? Daddy?? He just couldn’t seem to believe that a woman can successfully live without a man. And the funny thing was that while I was talking to him, I was thinking to myself "Boy, if only you knew what I was planning for next year!" I think his head would have exploded if I'd told him about my SMC plans!

Anyways, I just laugh off comments like these now, but in the past they were hurtful because it seemed that married people didn’t feel I was a real "grown-up" woman because I didn’t have a family to take care of (I’ve even been asked if I cook for myself! What do they think I do, order pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner?).

As an interesting footnote to this story, I was having lunch with my (single) brother the next day and he also owns his own home and I asked whether he hears similar comments about buying a house alone, but (no surprise here) he never does! Is our society still so male-biased that a man is presumed to be more capable of living on his own than a woman?

Sex in the City: men, marriage Part II

from Ruth

The upcoming premiere of the Sex and the City movie got me thinking about the series (which I loved for the most part) and I find it really sad that a series like this that was supposed to portray single women as strong and independent, and that was groundbreaking in so many ways, still had to end its final season with all four women in relationships.

Even for a show that discussed just about every taboo subject in the book, it was considered too shocking to portray a woman who doesn't find "Mr. Right" yet still lives happily ever after. I just find it so disappointing that the show couldn't depict at least one "happy ending" that didn't involve a relationship with a man.

What's the moral then, "It's OK to be single and have fun for a while, but in the end you've got to settle down?" Just a sad commentary on how little our society has progressed on this issue.

Men, motherhood and marriage

from Julie, reacting to the lengthy ChoiceMoms discussion group thread about Choice Moms, marriage and the pressure to marry.

Reading this made me conjure up this image of a bunch of men blogging about caring for children on their own and trying to fit into society's standard of being married.

How silly the image! Men are just so different than women.......at least the ones I know.
I think a lot of these discussions about whether we should be married wouldn't exist if men were more nurturing. I don't think it's odd at all to not want a marriage if the one you are marrying is more work to care for than the child you are raising. The men in my life have been sorry excuses for role models. I don't really want to get married because I have yet to meet a man that would enhance my life more than he would drain me of my reserves. Who needs that? I'll raise my child by my own will, thank you very much.

This isn't to say I don't want that close and loving relationship with a man, but he needs to be someone who contributes to my well-being and I his.

I think our parents desire us to get married because it's just the only way they see life as a "normal" progression. They aren't taking into account the lifestyles of women these days. When our grandmothers were young women, they had three careers to choose from (nurse, teacher, prostitute:-), but now, women can run for President, among thousands of other career choices. So this entire concept is beyond foreign to them.

I think raising a child on my own is not a selfish endeavor. It is a biological urge that is hard-wired into my brain and I WILL NOT apologize for it. My reproductive rights are equal to all of the married people out there, happy or not.

Being married and staying married is no test of character.

Divorce on foot

I attended a conversation with three local historians last week that left me with several interesting morsels that have been rattling around in my brain since.

One of them talked about our tendency to think the past was somehow simpler and less complex than our intricate lives today. As example, she talked about how we tend not to notice that there was "divorce on foot" in past years. We know about the many widowed heads of families who ended up being single parents by default, but we tend to forget that many men headed West to explore and have adventures and try to find a new life -- often leaving behind wives and children in the East. In a time when divorce was unacceptable, it was a way to leave marriage behind.

I'm intending to do further research to learn more about how prevalent this might have been. To be sure, many of these men never took the step toward family life. But another interesting side comment the historian made was that many of the women's colleges and other female-oriented activities (including development of the settlement houses) that started in the East were partly a result of a lot of determined single women wanting to make something of their lives, some of them undoubtedly bypassing the lack of good marriage material in their midst.

Is today's Choice Mom much different?

Honoring Grandma

My grandma Jean died Monday, age 96. She was the only grandparent I ever knew, and a true matriarch in many ways. She raised her two kids alone, after her husband died in 1945 in a tragic accident, by putting herself through cosmetology school, setting up her own beauty shop, and staying focused on her kids, being frugal, and nurturing friendships.

In some ways, she was my Choice Mom model. Although her path was definitely not by choice, she actively decided not to bring a stepfather into her kids' life, and did not remarry until both kids were off on their own. She dedicated herself to doing what she needed in order to survive. She developed fun friendships that kept her balanced and lasted more than 50 years. Her one surviving friend Arline came to the cemetery, age 93, and joked to me that Jean, Harriet and Mary were waiting in heaven for her to join them as the fourth in their card games.

We were proud of the fact that we had opportunities for four-generation photos with the matriarchal line. From my mother down to my daughter, we share the middle name Jean, a strong-minded bent, and a love of travel and experiencing city entertainment. My daughter, at age 8, showed a great deal of patience with Grandma Jean's late-year crankiness -- kindred spirits in many ways as they were -- both loving pink, butterflies, nail polish, pretty jewelry and clothes, knick-knacks, just the right hairstyle. I consider it a gift, in fact, to have seen my daughter's tenderness with my grandmother in the last few months of her life.

My grandmother is the one whose ancient typewriter many years ago, when I was my daughter's age, launched my writing career. I used to write poems at grandma's house, when my mother was busy with concurrent college and nursing work. One I remember distinctly writing in the kitchen area of grandma's apartment was about "My mother the whirler." Not long thereafter grandma gave my parents the typewriter for me as a Christmas gift. They'd kept it hidden somewhere in the house, and I burst into tears when they brought it to me, I was so overjoyed with this first communication tool of my very own.

Grandma didn't understand computers, the Internet, websites. But her friend Arline loyally sent me a check in order to buy my "Choosing Single Motherhood" book when it came out. And my staunch Catholic grandmother, whose viewpoint was the only one I worried about when I announced my decision to become a Choice Mom in 1999, quickly reassured me that she thought it was perfectly fine for women to have kids on their own. That she knew I was always very independent and capable.

Much like she was. She lived on her own until she was 90, and even then moved into an independent-living facility until she fell at 94 and needed to go to a nursing home for care.

She was tired of living by then -- having lost three husbands, four sisters, and countless cousins and friends she kept faithful contact with over the years. But I saw the resolute twinkle in her eye on one of my last visits with her, when I teased her about yet another male admirer who apparently had taken a fancy to her in the home.

She was a grand lady -- quite able, as the priest pointed out, to remind people of what she needed. She was always meticulously dressed and made up. And more than anything, she was proud of family -- and is undoubtedly happier now that she is rejoined with so many people she has missed for so long.

Is Mr. Good Enough Okay?

For this Valentine's Day month, Choice Mom Lori Gottlieb pondered whether she actually was too picky, as critics like to suggest when women in their 30s cannot find a partner before it's time to raise kids.

You can read her views in Atlantic Monthly and hear her perspective on NPR.

When her essay link was posted on the Choice Mom discussion board, women quickly stepped up to disagree with her notion that settling for a business partner in household management and childrearing was the route to take. Of course, Lori herself is a romantic who does still want to fall deeply in love. And many thinkers who are afraid that becoming a mother first will preclude them from being a wife - or silent Choice Moms who might agree with Lori today that settling might have been the greener side of the pasture - will find her thoughts very interesting.

In 2005, also in the pages of Atlantic Monthly, Lori wrote about why settling for somebody isn't always better than nobody. But now, with the challenges of dating while parenting a toddler, she looks at her married friends and realizes that, "Marriage isn't a passion-fest. It's more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business."

And as many of us know, couples with kids don't spend that much time together anyway.

"So if you rarely see your husband," she writes, "but he's a decent guy who takes out the trash and sets up the baby gear, and he provides a second income that allows you to spend time with your child instead of working 60 hours a week to support a family on your own-how much does it matter whether the guy you marry is The One?"

As readers of this sporadic blog know, I have had my own thoughts about what marriage means -- and why more women aren't choosing it before they have kids. Back in October 2007, I wrote here about how married moms I know are dismayed at the lack of household management help that actually comes from a mate, and that failing at that makes men seem less valid as a lifetime partner for an increasing number of women.

Lori's view in her essay is that being able to have help around the house is the major benefit to marriage, and that it should, indeed, become the major prerequisite to "settling" down with a partner. Dating with that view in mind, she says, might actually help more women find someone before they have kids, which requires babysitter money -- and a tremendous amount of effort simply getting beautified before the Big Night Out.

Just the day before I read Lori's essay, I was asked by a TV reporter if the Choice Mom trend meant that men were becoming insignificant. I stumbled in my answer, and realized later -- of course -- that the sound bite quote is, "Men who make great husbands and fathers are never insignificant. It's just that women are less in need of a husband and father who is not great, and today, if they have the financial and emotional security, they don't have to choose that option."

So I agree with Lori that dating tends to prime you for a passionate connection, but weddings and children tend to turn that relationship into more of a two-person job, with roles and responsibilities assigned and hopefully agreed upon so one of them doesn't decide to look for a different place of employment...and hurt the kids in the process.

But I also believe strongly that many of us don't actually need a partner to raise our children well, if that is our primary goal. We do need to deal with the stress of handling the job alone -- which, depending on temperaments and other distractions can be considerable -- but luckily it's a job with great benefits.

Recognizing signposts

I consider myself a pretty practical, if sometimes passionate person. I believe in using logic to make decisions. And I believe there is a kind of internal computer processing that needs to happen in order to spit out answers that are sometimes more complicated to reach.

Yet I also believe the universe sends signposts to help us, if we can train the internal eye to recognize them (or the non-cochlea inner ear to hear them, if that's how you see best).

In my case, sometime in my 30s, I began to trust that there was a kind of spiritual guidance rapping on my head. I can trace it back to a particular dream, on a particular vacation in the desert, in which my grandfather (deceased more than 40 years by then) came to visit me for a day...and for some reason told me his age. When I awoke with this very strong sense of the dream (I rarely paid attention to them otherwise), I checked family records and found that his age was accurate, had he still been alive that year.

It led to me write a story that turned into a major research project that turned into a novel that still sits in my drawer today, waiting for the day I feel smart enough to write it the way it needs to be.

Some years later, I returned to the novel in a space of creativity. Finding bits and pieces of random thoughts during the summer I was home on maternity leave with my first child. One day I was inspired to write a very detailed scene in which I was in a pub dancing and singing with my Irish ancestors. The next day, a random encounter with someone led to an odd comment he made that he sensed I had just been celebrating with family. Turns out he considers himself a psychic, and he said he was picking up this vibe from me. Again, it was something I wouldn't normally have laid stock in, other than the odd coincidence of it.

But flash forward a few years, and there have been a series of other oddities that catch my attention. The rare nightmare I woke up from at 6 a.m. in New York City on the 9/11, dreaming of dark-skinned men accosting me in an alley. Or thinking more recently, as I drove under a bridge with my son, about how awful it would be to be on or under a bridge if it fell -- and four days later, that very same Minneapolis bridge did.

Or, on a lighter note, the time I was poor and had been feeling disconnected for some time. On a lark, I entered a short story contest for the first time, and ended up winning the grand prize -- a round trip flight to Ireland. One afternoon there, still battling emptiness, I took a hike into the beautiful and endlessly deserted countryside, found a rock, sat quietly and felt a profound urge to say out loud that life was good, life was good, life was good. After that trip, my short story led to a novel that led to new friendships (and an agent) that has a tremendous amount to do with the strengths in my life today.

Much of our subconscious is bizarre and random and gives no particular message or roadmap that is of any use to us. But for the creative artist who finds inspiration that comes from an unseen place and moment....or the parent who senses unspoken concerns from his or her child that requires reaching in...or the minister or volunteer or teacher who heeds a calling...or the athlete or chef or copyeditor or mother who is supremely gifted at the work...it can sometimes be abundantly clear that there is a reservoir of "psyche" or "soul" or "angels" that surrounds us and can help to propel us. Others, more traditionally religious than I, would certainly call this inspiration from God or the Buddha master or Allah. In my case, even non-"New Agey" as I consider myself, I prefer to think of it as being aided by "spirit guides."

I do not give credit to any guardian angel for directing me or giving me my moments of inspiration, but I do believe they give signposts that might lead us down a particular path that we might not have noticed before.

I believe it is our willingness to listen, to notice, to pay attention -- and then make decisions based on what we learn -- that enables us to live mindfully and with satisfaction on our chosen pathways.

Healthy skepticism and the practicalities of daily life can certainly make it hard sometimes to notice signposts. And undoubtedly, when we are wrestling with issues above or below the surface, we might find ourselves "looking for a sign" that could then seem conveniently placed in our way. But I believe the subtle oddities of our subconscious, easy to sweep aside, are where some of the true inspiration, or the authentic messages, come from.

How is this relevant to the Choice Mom experience?

So many of us think and ponder and debate and wrestle with the logical issues that face us in deciding to take a solo journey as momentous as this one. Invariably, when our children come to us we cannot imagine why any of those things once mattered to us -- the logistical difficulties are far outweighed by the profound moments and precious snapshots of life that we get from our children.

So it is in all aspects of our lives. Sometimes we get clogged. Or we take a path that doesn't feel right but aren't sure if we should turn back. Or we mistrust our instincts and try to sidestep them with rationalization. Or we feel devoid of inspiration.

Looking back, it is the somewhat serendipitous encounters -- during travel, journaling, talking with someone new, reading, hearing an inspirational speaker or musician -- that can jump-start our process. And I think those are the times when we are open to heeding a message that is being delivered to us.

Really being able to listen is a skill we all have, even if we've temporarily forgotten how.

Most children are blessed with this ability. Have you ever had a child tell you the blunt, unspoken truth, or surprised you by asking a deep question you stopped trying to figure out yourself? Have you ever met a gifted or driven young adult who believes in the ability to get things done according to his or her vision? Does that sublime belief in the power of one's own strengths and curiosities and visions sometimes get lost when jobs and relationships and kids and household maintenance and bills crowd us?

Sometimes we live through our kids' beautiful confidences about their own creativity, and we become the happy observer of how another person's life is open to the possibilities.

We always need to regain some of that confidence for our adult selves. Life has many paths, every year of our lives. We need our visions and creativity to choose all of it mindfully. We can all surround ourselves with the people and moments we need to charge our lives when we decide to consciously and proactively find them. No, this doesn't mean going to match.com if you're looking for a partner (although that works for some). It means listening to the random woman on the bus who you might otherwise shut out. It means talking to the mechanic about life outside the auto body shop.

It means opening yourself up to the unusual messages we can get in ordinary life. And in so doing, we keep ourselves alert to paths we might not otherwise think we can learn from.

Mikki

More women not seeking marriage...

One of the questions I am commonly asked by those who are not yet familiar with the Choice Mom community is whether we're made up of women who find men irrelevant.

This is typically something I disagree with.

But lately I'm rethinking that position. In a way.

In the nuanced world, women can hold two seemingly opposite views at the same time: 1) Men are important and often great role models for our kids, and fun, affectionate partners; and 2) That doesn't mean that marriage is the right answer for many.

Critics might be quick to think women are "too picky," or "selfish," or "neglecting their child's needs" when they choose not to marry.

But it's indicative of the infamous double standard to think that all men are good marriage and fatherhood material...That there are plenty of good men to go around for our increasing numbers of well-educated, well-paid, well-balanced women who want to work AND raise a family...That a woman who is with a man who doesn't want to have kids, or play a role in raising them, must simply deal with that hand...That it is HER fault for not picking a better man in the first place.

How many times now have I seen a woman reamed online for daring to take this step without a partner. When Rachel Sarah wrote on the Washington Post blog about attempting to date as a single mother, she was blasted by those who labeled her an unfit mother. When Louise Sloan was interviewed recently on Salon for choosing to become a single mother, many posts flew back belittling her choice as a "rich woman's" selfish decision that inflicts pain and suffering on her child. (Others might blast her as a less-than-rich woman who has no business raising children on a single salary.)

Of course, online posts are not always an indicator of the pulse of society overall. It tends to be a haven for those who need to get things off their chest.

So it was with interest that I read a thread on my Choice Mom discussion board started from a woman who had suffered through many abusive relationships and had then made the decision to forego a partner in order to fulfill her dream of having a child.

In the outside world, she might well have been beaten up again for making "bad choices" in men -- with no regard for the fact that it was the men in her life who had been making the bad choices.

But on the discussion board, a wonderful thing happened. Women offered support and insight instead of derision and ridicule. Some messages urged counseling so that she could bring her future children into a world that did not feel threatened by men. Other women told their stories of how they felt weakened in relationships with particular men but had risen past that to build a happy family life, complete with male and female role models.

And then conversation started with some of the younger women on the board. I'd always been surprised to find so many women coming to my website and board who were in their 20s and early 30s, rather than those many women after the age of 35 who were deciding that motherhood required a solo step rather than the partnered one they'd imagined once upon a time.

I started listening to women of the "new generation" who were describing a societal shift that they felt a part of. One that did not dismiss men in general, but did not feel that they added to their lives in ways meaningful enough to sustain a long-term relationship. Many of these women (not all) were talking about needing a partner who would always be there for their child, in all ways, and deciding that they were too few and far between. Lesbians and heterosexuals alike were reporting their own views that parenting was simply too important to trust to everyone.

As Fiona, a 32-year-old woman (who gave me permission to reprint her comments here) wrote: "I couldn't agree more with your point that times have really changed. I currently have four friends around me who are also pursuing single motherhood by choice (all around my age). I didn't meet them through a single mother group. It just happens that we're all friends. I can't help but think we're experiencing a societal shift. These are extremely well educated and intelligent women who have not been able to find men who respect them or who are willing to share the load of a partnership. They are frustrated by the men they meet, even men with the same qualifications, who still expect that their wives will do most of the work. We haven't all spent 10-12 years in school to pick up after a man! Single motherhood is for most of us the ONLY decision. We haven't got here out of despair. It actually feels like the logical first choice. Put simply, men have not kept pace with women's societal progression and until they catch up they may be perceived as a burden to women who want a relationship based on equality and mutual respect."

Her views were echoed in an article I was recently asked to write about "how to raise sons to value women."

I interviewed a roundtable of mothers with young sons, most of them married. And it was a quite strong note that even those I had assembled who identified themselves as feminists (which we ultimately defined as simply valuing women as much as men) were surprised, and frustrated, to find themselves shouldering the bulk of household chores in a traditional way with their partners.

Most of their partners were strongly involved in the kids' lives, more so than many husbands. Many of them are close friends of mine, whose husbands I respect for being egalitarian and involved in many ways. Yet when it came to division of labor, many of the moms were concerned that they were modeling old traditions to their kids.

One woman I interviewed, whose 12-year-old son is highly aware of gender bias (he complained to the director that a line he had to say for a school play was sexist), indicated that despite all her efforts, she simply seems to care and notice housework chores more than her husband or son. Another engages her 3-year-old in "making breakfast" with his fake kitchen in the morning, which he enjoys, but realizes that her activist partner of 26 years continues to expect her to take care of house and cooking and this is something she's actively trying to correct before her son thinks it's the way things are.

Household chores are not the strongest measuring stick of our new values, I think, but seems to be an indicative dividing line between men and women.

The end view of a growing number of women, it seems, is that if a man is unable to share the workload at home as well as in the office, what's the point? Why teach our sons and daughters that women are primarily here to serve?

Another post on my board put it this way: "For my mother's generation, partners were necessary. Then they were preferred. Now they're optional."

Again, I don't personally think men are irrelevant. Nor do many Choice Moms I know. But there do seem to be a growing number of women who have changing views of how they should relate to each other in the home, with hopes that men will start to catch up to them on that view so that we can start re-coupling again.

Interesting stuff...

Exciting progress for non-traditional families

There is some exciting progress on the non-traditional family-building fronts. A national coalition is now in formation to enable greater discussion about how to protect our children's rights as curious eventual-grown-ups with medical history needs of their own. I'll keep you posted on that progress here over time.

I'm also happy to report that I'm getting more serious about strengthening the Choice Mom community. There is now an official team of supporters to help me build more educational resources than I can do on my own, with a line-up of guidebooks, podcasts, sponsored seminars and more in 2007 and 2008.

The misconception about the Choice Mom community, of course, is that we are selfish women who don't think men are important in our childrens' lives. And that families built with donor conception or adoption are selfishly short-changing its children. I can spend a lot of time trying to correct that perception....or simply let it go and focus on enriching and educating the parents who truly are building loving, nurturing families, while also responsibly and strongly pointing out what I've learned from our children over time.

I choose the latter. It's more productive. It's more aligned to the truth. And it recognizes that the majority of people understand that families and love are built in many ways, and that the goal is simply to support the ones who "get" that and hope that the ones who don't will eventually see what they don't right now.

There are serious issues to be addressed: the need for support networks, male role models, updated genetic background, open-identity donors who can satisfy our kids' curiosity as it arises. But there are wonderful families being created, and I want to collect and communicate more about what parents are doing RIGHT so that we can all learn from them.

So, stay tuned to all the good news that I'll be writing about here in the coming months...

Mikki

National Discussion about Family Values

For the second time in two years I have spoken at and participated in a national discussion about family -- who we define as family, the importance (and sometimes lack thereof) of biological ties, the experiences of donor-conceived and adopted people who are missing some of their history. The conference included governmental policy makers and regulators, doctors, social workers, offspring and parents.

And for the second time in two years, this national discussion took place in Canada.

The United States, which has a multibillion-dollar industry in reproductive technology -- with donor sperm, and donor egg, and surrogates sometimes stepping in to fulfill a conception role for an aspiring parent who cannot -- has not yet had this national discussion.

Canada's former "first lady" (previously wife to the Prime Minister) spoke at this event, as did the new president of its three-month old regulatory agency for reproductive health. There was a great to-do about how long it has taken (10 years) and how much has yet to be accomplished in this area, as Canada tries to catch up with the U.K. and Australia in discussing and monitoring the potential and real ethical and social concerns involving the rapidly evolving technologies.

Yet the U.S. hasn't even STARTED a process of developing oversight of this major industry. There is no regulatory body, other than the FDA's accreditation program that ensures that tissues are stored properly.

Now, I'm not big on governmental supervision of family matters, but we desperately need to find the listening ears in Congress who will at least engage our country in a national discussion about the incredibly complex and nuanced issues that impact families who use reproductive technology. To start: why don't fertility clinics require counseling of all clients who are using donated gametes to conceive? The infertile parent, the eventual offspring, the reactions of extended family, the stigma, the fear of the donor's place in their family, the conflicts about disclosing the truth to children about their origins -- all are worthy of major discussion.

And why do we not have a registry, like other countries do, so that families can learn more about a donor's medical history over time? What 20-year-old sperm donor knows his family history of cancer and heart disease and as-yet-to-be-detected genetic illnesses? How many medical forms do we fill out from childhood on that ask for family histories -- why on earth do we still not have something in place to allow donor-conceived children and adoptive children to learn more about their own background?

My part in this recent conversation was to lead a two-hour workshop and discussion about how we define family. We all define it differently, of course, based on our own experiences. But what we need to have a national discussion about is that tens of thousands of children in our country are not sure how to define family yet -- and it's about time we start helping them.

Mikki (who traveled by ferry, car, plane and train to get to this latest conference!)

Wearing 3 hats

As most of us do, I have three distinct roles to play: mother, worker, wife. My roles don't blend together like many others do, and maybe that gives me the unique opportunity to see how DIFFICULT it must be for people to do all three simultaneously. Many people wonder, for example, how single women manage to take care of their children alone....while I wonder how on earth married couples manage to maintain a relationship while being a parent and holding down a full-time job.

Here's my case:
1) Four days of the week I am a full-time mother who tries to sneak in work when her two children aren't looking for her, and who uses one of those nights to go out on a date with her husband (who lives 20 miles away). As a self-employed publisher and writer, this ultimately means I don't make nearly enough money, but I do think I spend more time with my 3-year-old and 7-year-old than most parents are able to. (Even if they don't always see it that way. :-)

2) Three days of the week I have childcare and I cram in as much work as I can. As alluded to above, it's not nearly enough time for me to make the income I did before I had kids and became a part-time "stay at home" mom.

3) One night each week my husband and I get together, without kids, and focus on each other. During the rest of the week we try to email during the day, talk each night on the phone, and occasionally find another excuse to get together, particularly when he has a caretaker for his teenaged special needs daughter. What we offer each other is a committed partner that might not be an active part of our daily lives, but is a constant that helps us relieve the stress of parenthood or work.

I cannot imagine successfully blending these three "functions" in life. As the great Moms Rising group will attest, most mothers who work don't get enough assistance from their employers. So I consider myself blessed to be self-employed, even if that means sacrificing income (that would otherwise go to childcare).

As many married friends I know --male and female-- will attest, it's hard to maintain a good adult relationship among the other pressures. Kid attention can be a focus that deters from couplehood, or the stress of doing it all can leave a household that's not always pleasant for the kids. Simplistic way of looking at it, yes. But I do consider the relationship my husband and I have to be solid, and given our restrictions on blending, we're making this work in a way that gives us the energy to give back to our kids the rest of the week.

Living separate is definitely the best thing for our kids right now. So although it wasn't our first choice, I feel blessed that we're able to make it work in our separate homes.

I know some people think my lifestyle is a tough one. Self-employed single mom of two with husband elsewhere. But honestly, I cannot fathom how others manage to do it any other way.

Myths about Choice Moms

A recent Today Show segment (January 16) spent more than 8 minutes discussing the prevalence of Choice Motherhood, which refers to women who proactively choose single motherhood.

I know about 500 of these women, and about 100 of their kids. I am the Choice Mom of two, now married, and author of Choosing Single Motherhood. I know that the majority of us are in our 30s when we become mothers. Most of us are college educated, earn a good income, and many of us already own our home. Most of us have been searching for the right partner and have to decide whether to postpone that search so that we can raise children while our parents, and the kids of our family and friends, can be part of their lives.

Although I was interviewed, as were three other Choice Mom friends, about the strengths of Choice Motherhood, those points were not included in the Today Show segment. Psychologist Brenda Wade did a good job pointing out why this is not a decision that we make lightly, and in fact had more air time than Elizabeth Marquardt and David Blankenhorn of the Institute for Family Values, who talked about why single parenting is detrimental for children. But there was no discussion of why Choice Motherhood is good for children.

So I feel compelled to raise those points.

Namely, Choice Moms are extremely dedicated, attentive parents and their children know they are a priority in their life. They tend to participate fully in their child’s life, and vice versa. This is a good thing for children.

The Choice Moms I know tend to have (or find) a strong community network. They tend to be strong, resourceful, engaged women who enjoy their friends, their work, their family. This is a good thing for children.

I’ve interviewed teens and young adults who nearly all talk about the intense relationship they have with their mother, compared to many of their friends. One teenager I talked to recently has traveled with her mother everywhere from Bolivia to Israel, learned from her how to use power tools to build tables, and feels comfortable talking with her about nearly every subject. This teen is an obviously secure young woman who knows her own mind. It is a good thing for a child to feel the vitality of life alongside a nurturing adult.

Single fathers, and married couples, are fully capable of these relationships with their children as well, of course. But since some like to focus on how single parenthood does not fulfill a child’s needs, let’s also notice how it does.

Someday, in fact, I expect that the public conversation on Choice Motherhood will turn from how bad this is for the kids to how this might be too good for the children. There are concerns that Choice Moms do need to guard against over time: being able to facilitate the necessary separation between parent and child, mediating the isolation that can happen for those who are raised as only children, ensuring the authority required for discipline and balance in a child’s life.

Elizabeth Marquardt has made some good points about children’s needs, which is why I recommended her to the Today Show as a commentator on the “con” side. She has been paying attention to the fact that some children conceived by anonymous donor sperm, like their counterparts placed for adoption, feel a crisis of identity when they do not fully know their biological roots. This is a focus, in fact, of my new Voices of Donor Conception book series.

However, there are a few leaps that Marquardt and others sometimes make. Some donor-conceived teens and adults resent the fact that they do not know who their donor father is; others do not. Some consider the donor to be their father because of biology; others do not because they have no parent-child relationship with him. Some of these children grow up without a father because they were conceived by a single woman, but historically most of these children were raised by a mother and a father who happened to be infertile.

Again, I have interviewed many teens and young adults in these “non-traditional” families. Very few of them express a “longing for father” that Marquardt talked about on The Today Show, because they don’t know what that is, not having gone through a divorce (as I believe is Marquardt’s experience). What more of them long for is a sibling, or the opportunity to ask questions of the anonymous man who donated his sperm.

And the questions some of these individuals have about their unknown origins has much more to do with understanding their own identity—“did I inherit my big feet from him?” “was he as interested in music as I am?”—than in wanting to fill a longing for father.

Of course, the100 or so Choice Kids and donor-conceived young people I know are a small sample of the overall population. I am actively looking for more Choice Kids to talk to, who were raised by a single parent not because of divorce, but because of choice, to get their perspective on the pros and cons of the lifestyle. Because theirs is the opinion that actually matters most.

Mikki Morrissette manages two websites, ChoosingSingleMotherhood.com and VoicesOfDonorConception.com. She is hosting a series of workshops for Choice Moms in 2007 about strengths and weaknesses of this lifestyle choice.

Defining family this holiday season

In another life I would have been a geneticist. I’m fascinated with the idea that from a drop of blood we can today learn that our ancestors left Africa and traveled along the coastline, through India, to Australia. Or headed into the Middle East and eventually to Europe. Or ventured inland through Central Asia, into the arctic reaches, and crossed the frozen Bering Strait into North America, and eventually South America.

My own amateur attempts at genealogy are paltry, extending at most 300 years, compared to the amazing discoveries that geneticists who unlock the codes of DNA can tell us about.

When I was young, with a brother who had died at birth, and a younger one who was brought into our family through adoption, I admittedly, subconsciously, fantasized about the similarities I might have had with my older sibling had he lived. I did recognize my blue eyes and my thin face as that of my father. And eventually, as adulthood set in, and middle-age took effect, I recognized the metamorphosis that enabled me to not only look more like my mother, but enable my young daughter to look like her as well.

I still fantasized about my long-lost brother, and what he and I might have had in common. Or about the grandfather who died when my mother was 10, and the grandmother who died when my father was 8. Was my love of learning a trait that had come from my grandfather, who briefly attended college? Would I have had anything in common with my grandmother, a housekeeper who reportedly liked to play euchre and green tea?

Unanswered questions that I could daydream about, and eventually explore in a novel as yet to be finished, but ultimately put away in storage since they simply did not affect my day-to-day life.

Except that periodically I’m reminded of the value that I place on genetics. When I travel to Ireland to seek connection with my ancestry, and meet people who have lived in the same home that my distant relatives left 100 years ago, what is it that I’m seeking? I know many of the people I’ve met there express bewilderment about how fascinated we Americans are with the lives of people who lived generations earlier, tucking their secret histories into our genetic code.

When I read, as I did recently in the Washington Post, of an 18-year-old girl who was conceived from donor sperm, and made contact with the once anonymous man who donated his gametes for her conception, I wonder about the connection she is seeking from him. Is it to learn about herself? The identity experts would tell us that it is so. That especially as teenagers we look for ourselves in the reflection of others who share our genes.

And why is that? What can that mysterious mirror of DNA tell us? What hunger does it satisfy, to know from whence we came?

When we sit around the dinner table over the holiday season, and look across at aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents and siblings, what is it that gives us comfort? Or if those same faces annoy us – why do many of us feel obligated to sit together over a feast, year after year after year?

What is it that defines us, as family? If we all share common ancestry, yet have splintered off because of different migratory routes, what is it that binds some of us to a few, rather than to a larger community? Is it simply our shared biology? Or is it that less scientific spirit of shared moments and experience that binds us to those that we love?

Some would say, as they did when the 18-year-old wrote about her need for a connection with her biological sperm donor father, that the only important family comes specifically from the man and woman whose direct genetic code we carry in our bloodline. They would say that one mother and one father are what each child needs, and without it there is a decay of spirit that can lead to violence, promiscuity, and abuse.

Some would say that a same-sex couple cannot offer the same sense of family that a child craves, and thus our marriage laws must be clear about not sanctioning any union that is not of one man and one woman for life.

Where did these rules about our definition of family come from? When did grandparents and elders and mentors become less consequential to our children? And why? Is it because there is something inherent in the DNA code of our ancestry that makes us feel complete, and that non-biological connections can never fill that space?

And how non-biological are we anyway, given that very little variance is found in our genetic code?

These are things I will quietly wonder about this holiday season as I sit with biological and non-biological kin, sharing in traditions that I know will shape my children, whether they are genetically significant or not.

What my kids say....

Since I'm a spokesperson in favor of Choice Motherhood, I'm aware that it might put a burden on my kids over time to be rah-rah. And I want to be careful that they are able to express how they really feel about aspects of it. I don't want either of them to feel they have to be "poster children" for Choice Kids.

For now, my nearly 3-year-old son is still trying to put basic sentences together, so it will be awhile before he and I discuss the Choice lifestyle in any detail. But I was amazed when my boy of few words saw an online version of my book cover and exclaimed, "Mama's book." Good brand imaging, I guess—I wasn't aware that particular design had any meaning for him.

My 7-year-old daughter proudly tells kids that her mom is a "Choice Mom," and that I have written a book that "millions of people have read." (Wouldn't that be nice for my bank account. )

But I don't want them to ever feel that because I'm proud and confident of my choice to be a single mother that they are not allowed to feel something else. I know my daughter recognizes that there are aspects of Choice Motherhood that are tough. (Although frankly, I think it's self-employment that makes it tougher.)

Recently she asked why I wanted to have kids without a partner....which enabled us to talk about how important it is to find the right person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

We're in an interesting place, because I'm raising them alone, and paying my bills alone, yet I'm married for two years now to a widower who is raising his teenage special needs daughter alone. (She tends to be aggressive, especially toward my little ones, which is why we don't live together.) So last night she and I talked about how it is different when he is with us, which happens about one weekend every two months (when his daughter is in respite care), and for maybe an hour each week before he and I go on date night.

She clearly loves having mom's attention and devotion most of the time. She likes having him show up occasionally to mix things up, but right now thinks men tend to be "rougher, and like wrestling, and don't care as much as moms do about watching what you're doing." I'll continue to remind her of the fun things we do with the men in our lives.

My son LOVES his visits, and I'm trying to get them together more frequently. He loves the wrestling, and being lifted and spun around in the air. And my outdoorsy husband is likely the one who will get both of them skating, bike-riding, and more over time. Good balance to their more bookish, indoorsy mom, who would rather take them to a museum than play in the backyard.

Both kids call him by his first name, rather than "dad" or "stepdad." That might change in four years or so, if he ends up living with us after his daughter gets into a group home situation.

For now, I welcome his influence on my kids, as well as his brothers and father as male role models who complement my brother and father (all quite different!), whenever we can get it. And I'll continue to find ways of letting them separate from mom's more intense presence as they mature.

I'm feeling really good especially about the International Baccalaureate program at my daughter's elementary school, which has an excellent male principal. There she's learning about the skills and strengths of being an Inquirer, a Communicator...the value of being Caring and Principled...

Last week she was awarded a Student of the Month recognition. Her classmates and teacher rewarded her for exhibiting the traits of Tolerance.

When her principal asked students assembled for a definition of tolerance at the award ceremony, my normally shy daughter quickly raised her hand and said, "Respecting other people for who they are."

I teared up. I don't think there's anything more valuable to me right now than knowing my little girl practices, understands and succeeds at putting tolerance into action. If my daughter lives a life of "Respecting other people for who they are," I'll be a very happy mom indeed.

What Our Kids Have to Say

I'm working on an update to my "Choosing Single Motherhood" book that includes the voices of more of our kids. I will also publish a booklet in 2007 that specifically cites the comments of Choice Kids in describing the pros and cons of having a single mom as parent.

As a refresher, here are some of the comments from grown Choice Kids that I interviewed for the first edition of my book:

* “My mother did so many things right. She was devoted to me. She was more interested in discovering who I was than in molding me into any preconceived image. Her parenting style was relatively hands-off, trusting me to make choices that would aid me in my own process of knowing myself.”

* “An advantage to the way I grew up is that I never witnessed my parents fighting. As far as fears some have that a guy like me will grow up overly aggressive, or less analytical, because of the lack of a father in the home—it doesn’t make sense. I went to a competitive prep school, and graduated Phi Beta Kappa from college as a computer science major. There are a lot of stereotypes about single parenting, and it seems as if we’re all clumped into the same category.”

* “My mother means the world to me, and me to her. I think that had I been raised by two parents, that bond would logically be decreased by half.”

* “I don’t agree with the idea that men do some things better than women, and vice versa—the idea that you need a man and a woman to balance the parenting. People are complex. One person can do so many things, in many different ways.”

I think it's time for Choice Moms to start hearing more about what our kids say about this lifestyle choice we made. What they like, what they don't like. I know I'm curious.

Why Single Women Make Great Parents

When news hit recently that out-of-wedlock births in the U.S. have climbed to an all-time high, there was a predictable wailing and gnashing of teeth by some commentators about how bad this is for the children.

I know hundreds of single women who have become mothers, through conception or adoption. There are actually tens of thousands of women embracing this choice each year, most in their 30s, but also increasingly in the late 20s and early 40s. I was 37 when my daughter was born; 41 with my son. In both cases, I purposely chose motherhood, using a known donor, before embarking on my second marriage.

Some of us do start out fearful of the daunting challenge this lifestyle can be. Some of us grieve for the childhood dream not realized of sharing parenthood with a lifetime partner. Some worry about the impact it might have on their child to grow up without a father.

Then a funny thing happens. As time goes on, and the prospective mother becomes an actual mother, what she used to think would be important…isn’t. Yes, it can be exhausting. Yes, the support network that any parent needs is vital. Yes, male role models need to be found and recruited who will balance out Mom.

But there are amazing strengths to Choice Motherhood — my term for proactively choosing to become the best parent we can be as single women — that get overlooked by people who don’t know any.

Research Says
The quick version of what “studies say” about single-parent homes is that its boys end up in jail, its girls end up sexually promiscuous, and that high school dropout rates are high. What the quick version doesn’t mention is that this often has more to do with divorced/abandoned homes when household income drops substantially. And that generally this involves parents who are depressed, narcissistic or otherwise lacking in the ability to sustain a nurturing and attentive environment for their children.

A child born into a Choice household is not torn apart by divorce. Many Choice Moms make upwards of $60,000 a year, own their home in a child-friendly neighborhood, and do not experience the emotional upheaval of a downward economic slide.

Of course, there are many out-of-wedlock births to impoverished women, especially in their early 20s, which was reflected in the recent news data. One of these single mothers lived in my home recently and yes, the challenges she and her child face are dramatically different than my own. Lack of education, income and emotional support for these women is an important issue.

But I strongly believe that the single woman who conscientiously throws herself into mothering has amazing benefits to provide to her children, which is too often overlooked by those who would simply prefer to marry her off.

I hear this strength daily, as moderator of an online discussion board for Choice Moms. In the hundreds of honest conversations we shared in November, for example, we offered support to each other about how to deal with a toddler’s tantrums, insight about how to incorporate dating into our lives, and lively debate about a child’s right to have a father.

We approach parenting in different ways, but some of the assets we offer our children include:

1) Self-sufficiency — Choice Moms are not victims. We proactively make our dreams of parenthood come true, sometimes after years of hoping an emotionally strong, loving partner will become part of our life. Most women who choose yes to single parenthood are strong-minded, independent, and creative problem-solvers in many aspects of their lives—all excellent traits to pass along to their children.

2) Determination — We are not ambivalent about parenting. Some of us spend years preparing and saving; others make the choice after an unplanned pregnancy puts us in charge of our child’s destiny. Women who say a loud “yes” to parenting do what they need to in order to make for their children the best lives possible. Our families tend to be proud, with open communication, emotional closeness, and a strong commitment to one another.

3) Community connection — A benefit of many Choice Moms I know is that they make an effort to bring a wide network of family, friends, mentors, and male role models into their children’s lives. Child development expert Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder of Boys, among others, told me that boys in today’s society especially benefit from this kind of extended network. “Boys need a greater concerted effort on the part of the mom, the family, the elders, the community, and the social institutions in order to inculcate all the moral coding of a social group.” In the absence of community connection, young people turn to peers as role models and celebrities as heroes.

4) Dedication — Many special needs children are placed in single-parent homes because they often thrive from the focused attention. I have seen many confident Choice Kids whose self-esteem is enhanced by the concentrated bond they have with their mothers. One Ivy League student I met was undeniably strengthened over the years by the Choice Mom who adopted her at 13 months, when she was in the hospital because of a neglectful home environment.

I do not claim that single-parent households are better than two-parent households, or that mothers automatically make better parents than fathers. Loving fathers add tremendous strengths to a child’s upbringing, and many Choice Moms I know (myself included) have welcomed good men into our family lives.

But the emphasis some prefer to place on the drawbacks of fatherless homes fails to take stock of the enormous benefits Choice Moms bring to their children as counterbalance.

There are disadvantages to be countered, certainly. The one-on-one intensity between mother and child can be difficult to break as the child matures into a young adult—aided somewhat by the growing trend for Choice Moms today to have more than one child. Social isolation can be a struggle with the more reclusive mothers. The financial and logistical stress can be taxing, especially for those who haven’t developed a stronger support network. Many of us wish we could be stay-at-home mothers, or otherwise have even more time to spend with our children. We sometimes get flustered when our children inevitably start asking who and where questions about “daddy.” It is hard to eventually enter into an intimate adult relationship when we are 24/7 parents. We feel sorrow that another parent is not available to love our child as much as we do.

But despite the weaknesses, the reality is that most children in single-parent households do not grow up to be morally defective. Discouraging one common family structure because some don’t do it as well as others is akin to not allowing people in their 20s to marry because statistics show these are the couples most likely to divorce.

Being a good parent is more important than being a married one. While it’s lovely that the U.S. government is spending $500 million on its Healthy Marriage Initiative, it is money that might be better spent helping all mothers and fathers who need it—single or married—put conscious parenting into action.

In large part I believe the best thing we can do for our children is instill them with a sense of responsibility—for taking control of their own lives, for understanding their obligations to others—as well as giving them an open door to possibilities that gives them a love of learning and exploration and spirituality and mental health. For these reasons and more, Choice Mothers are great role models.